I hate how when I try to use your photo feature you crash my browser.
I hate how my bandwidth is filling up so quickly these last two months.
I hate how I have to re-size photos on you.
Dear Spider Under the Bar in the Dining Room,
How long have you lived there? How the h-e-double hockey sticks did you get so big?
P.S. Please be nice to Josie. She thinks you are cute and is naming you Missy.
Dear Former Homeowners,
Why did you have to be such idiots? Why are the gaps in the floor so huge, and why couldn't you measure anything, from quarter-round to planks so that they would fit flush and wouldn't collect crap around and in them?
Dear Dried Squashed Raisins on the Floors,
I thought you were knot holes in the pine for the longest time.
You suck. What have your products been doing all this time? Certainly not cleaning. Certainly not picking up dried squashed raisins off my floors.
Dear Former Homeowners,
Why did you think that soft, easily scratched knotty pine planks made for good flooring? Was it because dried squashed raisins could be passed off as knotholes?
Dear Palmolive and Dollar Store Scrubbies,
Thank you for helping me get dried squashed raisins off the floors. Well done. You, me, a little elbow grease - we make a good team. We kicked Swiffer's ASS!
Dear Dollar Store Foam Kneeling Pad 0riginally Purchased For Gardening,
I appreciate your help, as the hands and knees scrubbing of the floors I did today was rather uncomfortable before I got the idea to use you. Did you get a load of those dried squashed raisins? However, I must admit, that you made my knees sweat and then got all slimy, possibly causing more problems than you solved. In the future, I shall use a rolled up towel. Enjoy your new home at Value Village!
Dear Spider Under the Bar in the Dining Room, a.k.a. Missy,
Get back under there, please.
Dear Boo Boo,
I don't want to know what that was, but please don't do it again.
Dear Friends Who Are Pregnant, Friends Who Have Had Babies Recently, and Other Friends In General,
I don't know where the time has been going, but I never seem to get ahead. I just spent almost an hour cleaning the floor, on my hands and knees, with a scrubbie, dish soap and hot water. I worked really hard, and found out exactly where I'd been slacking. Boy, old houses are hard to keep clean. To keep Josie busy, I used the TV and gave her a snack. I probably shouldn't have given her raisins. There's already a fresh one on the floor under the coffee table. They just get squashed and dry up and then resemble knotholes and then it's possible to ignore them for days...possibly weeks. You cannot make me admit to months. I have to tell you, though, I feel a lot better and will now try to rejoin the land of the living.
Dear Writers For That Stupid Cartoon TV Show "Arthur",
Excuse, me, but I have become aware that the topic of today's show had something to do with the fact that somebody's pet died. Because my kid asked me "What is DIED, Mommy?" !!! Can I please ask when cartoons became a place to introduce topics such as this? Because I thought cartoons used to be funny. Funny like in HA HA! Like, a coyote tries to catch a roadrunner in hundreds of ingenious but ultimately unsuccessful ways, and yet somehow NOBODY DIES. Not funny like Arthur's sister had a visit from the Grim Reaper, but it's okay! She'll find another pet! Who will eventually DIE AS WELL! I wouldn't have even had the stupid TV on, but my floor really really needed extra cleaning because the people who owned this house before us were even bigger idiots than you apparantly are.
It is 2006. Advances in technology mean that surely there must be a way for old houses to be more easily cleaned. Can someone invent a natural and non-toxic permanent product to spray on floor surfaces, in order to seal cracks and fill nooks and crannies in so that all they need is a quick wipe, perhaps even with a Swiffer product? Also, please make it cushiony and non-sweaty for my knees and it should repel spiders. Thanks.
There are foods that are more nutritious than you are, and which are equally enticing for toddlers. You are small and sticky, and when squashed, can be easily mistaken for knotholes in my floors for far too long. This isn't working for me any longer. I regret to inform you that wrinkly little dark gummy guys like you are no longer welcome in my house.
Dear Cous Cous,
I've threatened to make you an outside only food before. I mean it now. You have been banished. You're basically a vehicle for other flavours, and we lived for years without you and can do so again. Sayonara, you nasty little crumbles of crack-lodging grains. You shall never ping at my ankles again when I vacuum you up after you've dried, which is after you've refused to be picked up by Swiffer products, either wet or dry.
I am not the only one who had not noticed that dried squashed raisins have been passing themselves off as knotholes in our floors, and that cous cous has been substituted for crack-filler on our floors for an indeterminate period. Now that we are aware of these potentialities, let's do our best to not only prevent occurrences by methods such as revoking the privilege of these items being in the house, but by not only cleaning the floor at the end of a stick for weeks at a time. It appears that because we have a toddler residing with us, we now need to prostrate ourselves periodically because said toddler has food displacement issues beyond normal means of control.
Affectionately, but sternly,
I understand your verbal objections, but need to reiterate: if raisins and cous cous are going to end up on the floor and then stepped on, I am going to have to spend time that could otherwise have been spent in play on my hands and knees scraping the floors with the dull side of a butter knife. The verdict comes down to the fact that there really is not much NEED to eat those two foods, and my sanity is very important, if we are going to scream about what people who live in this house NEEEEEEEEED. Therefore, I am making the executive decision to ban those items from this house.
I will make this provision: WHEN you can buy your own raisins and cous cous, and procure them for yourself, and prepare them, and remove the remains, and remove all traces of any items that didn't make the transmission from fingers or utensil to your mouth and beyond - THEN you can have them inside. Yes, I do understand that means it will be a very long time. But I never again want my knees to sweat the way they just did. Furthermore, I don't NEEEEEEEED to spend an hour of my life scraping dried squashed shit off the floors and out of cracks again, although I am probably going to have to anyway, because Swiffer sucks.
With all my love,
P.S. If Missy comes out from under the bar again, she will be in danger of resembling a squashed raisin doing an impersonation of a knothole.